It has happened more often than I would like to admit. More often than I ever dreamed. And it hurt more than I ever imagined.
My child smelled like another woman.
It took my breath away the first time it happened. She had been snuggled up against someone else long enough that her hair, skin, and clothes changed to smell like another woman instead of me.
And it shattered my world. It still shatters my world. Five days a week.
And in this, I have come to find that I am wrestling with God. I am wrestling and there is tension with what I want and what I believe is being asked of me.
Don’t be afraid of this tension.
The tension of maybe not agreeing with what God has called you to. The tension of trusting that God is truly good. The tension that I am Jonah and I do not want to go to Ninevah. The fact that like Jonah, I am angry about something that might not be mine to be angry about. The tension that you might be Jonah too. The tension that what God has called us to feels heavy and we don’t always want to be faithful to it. That in reality, I want to stay far away from the hard callings on my life and hide on my farm with my goats.
God isn’t afraid of that tension. He isn’t afraid of me wrestling with him. I also don’t believe that he shames me for it.
As a parent, I want Adley to come to me when she feels like what I have placed on her is heavy. I want her to share with me when she is struggling to trust me. I want that relationship with her. My love for her won’t change based on her feelings.
God’s love for me doesn’t change based on my feelings either. It is constant. Never changing. Never ending.
So I’m not ashamed to admit that I am living in tension. That I am wrestling. And that I don’t have answers and warm & fuzzy feelings. And I don’t want you to be ashamed to admit it either. That you might be wrestling with God. That you might be living in tension.
Jonah ran away from God. He was thrown into the sea and swallowed by a fish. And yet, because he (eventually) obeyed, an entire city was given grace.
Jonah’s wrestling didn’t stop God’s plan. So I’m not afraid to sit in the tension and wrestle.
