I Said I’d Be Enough

It was about two months ago while we were at church. I had one of those moments where you feel a weight overcome you. I knew what was coming. God was about to tell me something, something that would challenge me, wreck me, move me and forever change me. And there it was, “I will be enough”.

Cool. But like, enough of what?

Enough energy. Enough patience. Enough time. Enough for Adley. Enough for your marriage. Enough money. Enough resources. Enough of everything you could need.

Okay. But does this mean the next child you send our way will require so much of us that you need to warn me ahead of time?

Silence.

I remember leaning over and whispering to Jake that “we have to say yes”. He, God bless his heart, understood where I was going. So we talked after church about saying yes to the next phone call we got from Children’s Division. I wish I was joking when I say the call came the next day. But I can’t make this up. So I asked our general run of the mill questions to the caseworker…

Age?
Reason for removal?
What school?
Any health concerns?
Current medications?
Aggressive behaviors?
Previous history of perpetrating on other children?

The caseworker didn’t know and said they would email me. We never heard from that caseworker again. At first, I thought this indicated that there was a reason that we weren’t supposed to accept that child into our home. So we waited again. About two weeks later, we got another phone call. We initiated the same sequence of questions. Again, we never heard from that caseworker.

Confused, Jake and I discussed what we were doing wrong. Were we wrong to ask questions? Was God preparing us for something bigger? Was God preventing these children from coming into our home for reasons we could not see? I wrestled with God for days, asking him what I was doing wrong and I kept feeling this overwhelming weight that we were supposed to blindly say yes. Without asking their age. Without asking about past trauma. Without asking about their health. I was to say yes without any conditions being met. I was to say yes because God said yes to me before I met any criteria.

So who was I to place criteria on a child if God didn’t place that on me? (Okay, Jesus, I hear you.)

Weeks passed until I got a text message from a worker asking if Adley wanted a friend for the weekend (they always just say its for the weekend). Without asking a single question, without having daycare, without having any clue what I was walking into, I said “yes”. And God has continuously shown up. He showed up with childcare. He showed up financially. He showed up by sending mountains of diapers to our door. He showed up with amazing friends and family who love K as if he has always been with us.

And yet, I am tired. I lack faith. I doubt. I question. 

I am tired of not having answers about K’s future. I am tired of feeling like I am stealing moments from his mother. I question why God continues to send children with medical needs into our home. I question how my coworkers and boss will respond when I have to take time off. I doubt that God will continue to be enough in the following months. Honestly, I am tired of the sacrifice.

But God keeps telling me to say “yes” because He keeps saying “yes” to me. He tells me to search for Him in their eyes as I wipe away tears. He tells me to find Him next to me in the courtroom as I listen to strangers decide a child’s fate. He tells me to find Him in the quiet moments of the night as I rock Adley to sleep for the 5th time. He tells me to find Him in the waiting room of each doctor’s appointment. And He tells me I’ll find Him in the hospital’s ICU after K’s upcoming surgery.

I am tired. I doubt you. I struggle to trust you. 

I told you, I will be enough. 

And so, I will keep saying “yes” with the freedom of knowing I don’t have to be enough.