I’m not ready

I am not ready for tomorrow. I am not ready to hear when he is never coming back. I am not ready to hear when my heart will be broken. I’m not ready to lose the remaining shreds of control that I have left.  I’m not ready to shoulder the weight of another missing soul in my life. I’m not ready.

But Jesus isn’t asking me to be ready. He is asking me to be obedient and let the feelings come later because if I acted how I felt now, it would be a disaster. I would walk in that meeting tomorrow fighting a battle that was never mine to fight. I would be fighting God and His plan.

So I’ve been praying. I’ve been praying for answers. Answers to questions like:

Will you keep him safe?

Will he feel like we abandoned him?

Will another family get him in the future if he comes back into care?

Will he live a happy and loved life?

Will this bring you glory, God?

And every single prayer was met with the same phrase I have heard from the beginning of Z’s time with us “Love her and trust me with the rest”.

If I’m honest, what a crappy response right? So I continued to search for understanding. I was met with some very wise counsel from other foster parents.

I was reminded of Joseph’s story. I was reminded of the biblical truth that God is not limited by a child’s family. The biblical truth that God used a family that sold their sibling into slavery to bring Him glory. The biblical truth that a child’s family isn’t the deciding factor of how much peace I should feel in this situation.

Redemption. Grace. Peace. Hope. Glory. Forgiveness. These all flowed from the life Joseph lived. So who am I to say what will flow from Z’s life if he isn’t with me?   

Who am I to diminish what God has done because I’m not happy with what he hasn’t done.

He has protected this child from a year’s worth of potential harm.

He has allowed this child access to two developmental therapists that have given him 10 month’s of cognitive, emotional, physical and spiritual stimulation to allow for optimal development.

He has allowed us to help a mother rehabilitate and get another chance at life.

He has allowed us to love this child fiercely.

He has allowed us to be an instrument of His good and perfect plan.

I’m not ready for tomorrow, but I know that the He is. I know that He will give me peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) and His comfort (2 Corinthians 1:4). I know that Z will never be forgotten by God (Matthew 10:29).

So even though I’m not ready, I go, because He has already gone before me and I no longer have to be ready.