Letting Go

I am a runner. (Not a literal runner, that would require physical movement.) I prefer to be like a sloth. But emotional running? I do that well. Spiritual running? Check. I run away from God as soon as I get slightly uncomfortable. I hide my feelings because that is so much easier than dealing with them. But then, sometimes the feelings overwhelm you and overflow before you even had a chance to feel them.

That “overflow of feelings” is foster care. That is loving a child that you know will leave you and as a result, I find myself saying this out loud multiple times a day “I am loving people that will leave me.”  Sometimes you have to say the painful truth out loud for your mind and heart to actually process it.

And I am running out of time to “process it”.

According to our last meeting with our caseworker we might have another month with the boys.  B and O’s parents are making good progress towards their goals. They have a place to live, jobs, transportation and clean drug screens. We really and truly are so proud of them for this. But this doesn’t mean I’m not afraid. It doesn’t mean that I don’t cry knowing that I won’t be able to; keep them safe, ensure they eat healthy food, get a good education and learn about Jesus.

But then Jesus reminds me that I was never really the one that “kept them safe”. He was. And he will continue to be with B and O even after I’m not.

So how will I “let go?” I won’t. I never will. They will always be in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers. I don’t think “letting go” is the point of foster care anymore. I think that holding on is the point. Holding on to their memories. Holding on to their joy. Holding on to the progress they made while in your home. Holding on to the truth that God is with them until the end of time loving them, protecting them and pursuing them.

When I look at “letting go” this way, it just makes more sense. And I can breathe again.

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.‘ Isaiah 41:10