O: “Mommy watch me jump”
Me: “Good job buddy.”
O: “Jesus helped me jump.”
Me: “Was it scary?”
O: “No. Not scary at all.”
I want to jump like O. I want to jump and have no fear because I know that Jesus will help me jump. When people ask if my “jump” was scary I want to say “no, not scary at all”.
So this week, I jumped.
For the past few weeks, I have felt God telling me that I have to “Love her (Z’s mom), and let me take care of the rest.”
(Side note: Jesus can you be a little vaguer? That is just ridiculous in my [humble] opinion.)
Most recently, He has nudging me to have lunch with Z’s mom. So, after much protest, I did. We set a date and a time and I met her at the treatment facility. We sat alone in a room and it was messy. It was hard. But it was holy.
We talked. We cried. We laughed. We shared motherhood stories. We shared our fears. We shared our dreams. And you know what? Our fears and our dreams are the same.
We both fear we will fail him. We both fear that he will suffer. We both fear that no matter what happens, that he will face pain. We both dream that he gets the best life possible. We both dream that he will be safe. We both dream that he grows up in the church loving God. We both love Z.
And it was good. Indescribably good. It was vulnerability that allowed a step towards healing for both of us. I shared with her that Jake and I love her deeply simply because Jesus told us to. And that we will continue to love her and be on her team because she is the amazing person that brought us Z. I shared our fertility struggle and how amazing God was to only reveal that to us after we started foster care. I shared that God had placed a desire in our hearts to serve children in need of a safe home years ago. I shared that even though she and I weren’t always going to like each other through this process, that I would love her through it.
The results of the jump? I got to meet the women at her treatment center and give them a chance to witness me loving on Z’s mom (something that was very evident they don’t see). I got to build a relationship with a woman who is afraid, alone and full of pain. But best of all, I got to experience Jesus helping me jump.
I don’t know what each jump will entail, but I do know this, when asked if this week’s jump was scary I can honestly say, “No. Not scary at all.”
1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
